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The Struggle is Real, My Friends!

Bear with me, y'all!

This past Sunday, the sermon at church was on addiction and sin's deceitfulness. Not your average Sunday morning pick-me-up but a raw, emotional and moving service in realizing we are all human. We make mistakes. We struggle. And we often hide behind facades so as not to look flawed in the eyes of others. 

There was a time near the end of the service where, if felt led, you could go speak to and pray with a deacon about whatever you may be addicted to or struggling with. Having never smoked a cigarette in my life and only having a glass of wine once or twice a month, I felt firmly planted in my front row seat knowing I didn't have any addiction skeletons in my closet. And then... 

My body got up from the chair and started walking towards the back. My eyes locked in on my dear friend, Susan, who was a deacon standing in the back waiting to accept the struggles of whomever walked her way. I wasn't even prepared for what was about to come out of my own mouth but she embraced me in the sweetest of hugs as I unloaded to her that I struggled with food. How I turn to it, more often than not, to fill a void, out of mindless eating, and out of addiction to sugars. You might be rolling your eyes at this point thinking "First World Problems" but the reality is, it. is. a. thing! 

It's one thing to be addicted to food in a savory, appreciative, foodie kind of way. It's a completely different thing to be addicted to food as a coping mechanism, out of boredom, or emotion. 

I am nearly 36. My body, and metabolism, aren't quite what they used to be. It has seen the birth of two healthy baby boys. My thyroid is out of whack. My pants size is well into the double digits. I prefer to shop for shoes because Hallelujah that size never changes! I've had a love/hate relationship with Weight Watchers for more than 10 years and I'm currently paying them to gain weight, or at best, maintain a weight that is the highest it's ever been, aside from pregnancy. I'm depriving my kids of {some} sugars for their own health, meanwhile I'm over here sneaking handfuls of chocolate chips and marshmallows. I have no self-control and zero will power to say no to sweets and junk food. And I was totally the babysitter who picked out all of the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms after the kids went to bed. 

But I also know I do not suffer alone, even though we mostly suffer in silence. 

I don't have the answers, guys! And most days I'm lacking the motivation to get beyond this struggle. I think I just felt the need to put words to the truth and that's what urged me to get up and speak these same words to my friend, Susan, on Sunday. What is it they say about addiction - admitting it is the first step? 

Putting the words to paper, or post, make it more real. If nothing else, it makes me more real. The older I get, the more real and transparent I try to be. Ugly warts and all. Just the other day another friend from church told me that a year or so ago she left church saying "I wish I could be more like her." Her being me and others at church who likely looked like we had it together. A younger version of me would have taken that as a compliment but the maturing version of me was ashamed because on that particular Sunday, I was probably pretending to be someone I'm not. I can hide behind Lilly Pulitzer and Louis Vuitton but underneath it all, I can really be a hot mess... a hot mess who struggles with an unhealthy, sugar-addicted eating disorder hiding behind the layers of designer threads.

None of us have it together. I'm certain we all struggle with something. So whatever you may be struggling with, I feel you! I am you! And I'll vow to pray with and for you when I step into my prayer closet each morning.

XOXO - Courtney

"But his answer was: 'My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.' I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

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