Mother's Day Musings from a Melancholy Mama

I know. Not the titled you'd expect to hear on the heels of Mother's Day but if I'm being honest, I just wasn't feeling it this past weekend! 

I've struggled with whether or not to capture this moment in time on my blog or just breeze over it and pretend it never happened but the future self in me decided to put pen to paper, or fingers to keys, so that one day down the road, I'll look back on this and see that this is a season and it too shall pass.

Parenting boys, ages 7 and 3, is HARD right now. So. Very. Hard. And the only thing I wanted most for Mother's Day was to be by myself. All alone. And yet I felt, and still feel, extremely guilty for feeling that way because I know that many women would give anything to be in my shoes. To be a mother. And here I was feeling extremely ungrateful and throwing an internal toddler-sized tantrum because I was feeling trapped. I was feeling the pressure to have a "Happy Mother's Day" when my three year old was frolicking around the restaurant while we were trying to celebrate with a nice dinner out. I felt the pressure to have a "Happy Mother's Day" while trying to run ONE errand with the whole family which turned into Phillip promptly taking the three year old out of the store kicking and screaming. I felt the pressure to have  "Happy Mother's Day" while cooking a Sunday lunch only to have my kids refuse to eat it because they'd rather have sandwiches...again. My kids felt the pressure to say "Happy Mother's Day" just as Phillip had coached them so both boys boycotted saying it all together. 

Saturday night I found myself throwing a pint-sized pity part because it was nearly 9:30pm and my three year old was still wide awake and boycotting bedtime and all I wanted was to curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep (which I did.) But I looked down at Anderson and saw how small he was curled up in all the fluffy covers and I loved him and loathed him all at the same time! I know these years are short but these days are so very long and I struggle with finding the balance of appreciating this season while not frantically wishing them away.  

Picture from our dinner Saturday night.

Truthfully, I couldn't wait for Monday to roll around so the pressure to have a "Happy Mother's Day" would be over. Don't get me wrong. Phillip made sure to do his best to give me some space while making sure I felt loved and appreciated. And I do. I truly am blessed and I love my sweet boys. But sometimes, mommy just wants to check out of motherhood for a hot minute! 

{I'm not looking for sympathy comments here and I know I am not alone in this fight!  I try, in all things, to be transparent and wanted to simply capture these feelings so that one day, I'll look back on this season and say "Look, you made it through!"}

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